This seems to be such a prescient issue for myself and so many people I know, right now. And perhaps that presumptuous to say, so let me amend the statement and say that it’s a subject that, at the very least, is very present in my life, currently.
I realized today how “temporary” my life feels right now. It wasn’t a ground-breaking discovery, I’ve sort of known it from the outset, but it was just very present in my mind today. That my day-in day-out is a temporary arrangement, and not something that I’m interested in doing long-term. Not if I was to be happy, anyway. And today I remembered how key that is on how my day-in day-out actually wears on me. Drains me. One of the reasons, most likely, that I find it so hard to have energy to work on what I really love doing.
Editing for 7 1/2 hours a day is not what I want to be doing. It’s exhausting, and not work that, really, I enjoy doing. Living in this apartment as a manager is not something that I, really, enjoy doing. But, the deal that I’ve made with myself is that I’ll do both for as long as I need to until I can move on to things that I really *do* want to do.
I’m suddenly struck, too, with how long I’ve lived in that state; of doing something that’s temporary. It’s been ever since I can remember, from high school waiting for college, college waiting to graduate, working at a restaurant until I was making enough money as an actor, and now where I am currently, waiting for acting and/or writing to take off.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that the life I’m living is overtly “tough” or “hard” or anything along those lines. Nor would I presume to say that what I’m feeling is unique in some sort of profound or special way. This feeling, I’m pretty sure, is by-and-large universal, or at least ubiquitous enough to have caused many middle-life crises. I, in fact, mostly *enjoy* my life. Even currently. There’s huge upside to where I’m at. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I finish things that I say I will do, because there’s a logic as to why I must do them. A logic as to why I decided to do them in the first place. I must apartment manage because it gives me free rent, and I must work 7 1/2 hour days editing because I must make enough money to build some savings, and write on pretty things like this iPad. What I’m feeling today doesn’t change that core decision I’ve made.
What I’m feeling today just puts things in an overall perspective that sheds light on why so much of what I’m doing is ultimately unsatisfying. And, ultimately, that’s not a good place to be.
I want to be somewhere permanent. And I don’t mean like a permanent job, in the singular. That’d be rather impossible, given my profession of choice. I just mean, somewhere physically and financially where all I’m doing is working in my profession, with other professionals, and living somewhere that I’ve chosen (with Liz) because we pointed our fingers and said “that one. We want that one.” I’m getting tired of the temporary.
And I have some ideas that I really think can get me there.
Yes! That’s what it is. The right way to describe this whole thing just came to me: I want to be on the road that leads to what I want. Or, more precisely, what I want is not a destination, it’s process. And right now, I *don’t* feel like I’m on that road. I’m not part of the process. I’m preparing for the process.
Which, if I’m honest with myself, is fair. I needed to prepare. I still have some preparing to do. My discipline hasn’t been where it needs to be. I’ve, thankfully, finally, turned that around lately by actually getting the editing done that I need to get done. I’ve started this blog which forces me to retrospect in black and white letters every day. I’ve needed to *achieve* something…I don’t know…to prove to myself that I am worthy of being employed in my dream job. Of being a part of the “club?” Because Hollywood does seem so much like a club, and one that’s very hard to get into.
A lot of my goals these past two years have been practical; I was broke and I needed to fix that. I needed to not work in the restaurant industry, and I needed to pare away the distractions in my life. I did, and all those things have completely turned around. But, I also have to admit that my ego is definitely a part of the decision-making. The “If I can save up so much money and get so much work done, then I’ll deserve to be rewarded by Hollywood and break through.” And to myself too; if I can do this set of things, then I really *can* do whatever I set my mind to. Setting myself up for hard wins. Easy wins don’t work for me because I’m too hard on myself. Probably.
So yeah…I put myself into so many things not always because they’re practical, but because I’m frustrated from no success as an actor or writer, and I want to work out some other kind of hard win, because I need a win. Those have been Frisky, DJing, Maggiano’s, this apartment job, this blog, even writing to a certain extent…distractions keeping me from really engaging with Hollywood.
Well…at least with writing, a way in is much clearer. And I need to step up to that door. True, being allowed through does actually take an act of someone other than myself, which is the most frustrating thing about Hollywood — someone *does* have to say yes to me — but EVERYTHING ELSE is completely 100% in my own control, including who I ask to tell me yes, and the quality of the work that I’m asking them to say yes to. And those two things are far far more important.
So yeah…I need to be fearless. It’s the only way to get me from feeling “temporary” to feeling “permanent.”