Day 42: Transformers: Dark of the Moon (Liveblog)

Day 42: Transformers: Dark of the Moon (Liveblog)

Hello fellow internet-ers! Tonight, I’m doing something special; the Ho and I are just sitting down to eat some food, and we’re deciding to watch what is sure to be the horrendous “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” cgi spectacular…and live blog about it.

Already, the home screen for the blu-ray is amazing. It’s literally a series of people looking up towards the sky, and then random action sequences. This bodes well.

Oh, shit, guys. Something just crashed on the moon. In the 1960s…how convenient for us that our space program is going there. Oh, wait…that’s the REASON we went to the moon. It all makes so much sense!

There’s a lot of ‘Merica in this movie already. Even if our claim to fame is from 40 years ago.

Ah, ha! The Meagan Fox replacement has been spotted. Or, her butt has. Second butt of the movie, actually. First butt we saw was a 1960s scientist khaki butt.

Okay, so Lebouf needs a job. This is Michael Bay’s political commentary. At least he was watching Trek in the background.

I wonder if Optimus Prime has a job delivering produce to restaurants. They just showed him driving around DC…like a badass semi truck…who delivers produce to restaurants…

Oh shit! We just showed up in Chernobyl!!!!

And then there’s a giant robot worm-thing and what?! Who would have thought there would be a transformer here? Good thing we brought old grandpa Optimus. Aooarently the worm-thing is named Shockwave. I’m going to name him ring worm.

AND THEN the robot-vulture shot the man who brought us to Chernobyl and then shot him. (Ira’s note; pretty sure that’s a double sentence)

OH MY GOD! It’s my friend Mr. T! He plays the “asian colonel sanders.”

And then…JOHN MALKOVICH showed up. I’d love to get a job working for him. So, Shia gets a job in “the mail room”…Hollywood much?

Also, Michael Bay loves cars. Were you aware of this? (I’m being fascitious)

And now my friend Keiko just popped up as Frances McDormitt’s assistant! CRAZY!

Oh, everybody gather round. Optimus is about to tell a yarn. Liz says he reminds her of ‘ol Grandpa Lincoln.

So…in literally one shot, the autobots have travelled to the moon. Liz and I both said in unison “that was easy.”

Shake my head…there’s already SO MUCH VOICEOVER in this movie. Not a good sign. Especially when it ends with a “what the fuck is going on” inside my brain.

Also, Liz really wants me to say that the victoria secret model is the most patient, understanding girlfriend ever, because all he’s done is act like a little bitch. I agree.

So…Dr. Ken just had the most insane, random, sequence in this movie…and ended with him being pushes out a window by a decepticon…I ask again, what the fuck is going on. This script was written by someone on cocaine.

Now Shia has gone crazy. There’s so much yelling.

“That’s the great matrix of leadership!” — I’m sure there will be many more of these line gems.

Right…so now I know why they had Trek on in the bg at the beginning…Nimoy is the voice of the Sentinel. I feel like I’m watching a JJ movie right now.

Also, apparently paperwork is what separates us from animals. Humans, meaning. Really, Francis? PAPERWORK?

Ugh…seriously, guys, this movie has so much ADD…

Okay, so we just had the most unsupported break-up scene ever…literally two scenes ago, Ms. Victoria Secret was telling the Intelligence Director of the CIA that Shia was a hero and deserved to help, now she’s breaking up with him because he’s trying to find out what’s going on on his own.

Also, MICHAEL BAY, JESUS! How much car-masturbation can we put words to in this film?! It’s relentless.

Also, all the sudden Transformers have red blood? It’s also pretty amazing if you watch how much wanton destruction there is in these action sequences. It’s like, transformer head to the front half of your car. That’s one or two people dead. And that shit has happened like 26 times in the past 40 seconds.

TWIST: Sentinel, aka Nimoy, is a bad guy. Which makes no sense…because this so-called war has been over forever. Megatron has a chip on his shoulder, I get that. But, Sentinel still decides to be a traitor?

I’m really REALLY confused. There’s an army of decepticons on the moon…? How did that happen?

And now Patrick Dempsey is a bad guy…

“I’m a liason…I lias.”

Victoria Secret is about to be tentacle raped by a decepticon…and now Shia has a scorpion watch that’s a spying device.

Yup! Butt movie! We just talked about Francis’ McDormitt’s ass.

Okay, so it’s been like 15 minutes since the last update…this movie gives me a headache. Literally. Like…when more than half of your dialogue is exposition reminding you of what’s going on…you have a *major* problem.

The decepticons are trying to bring their planet into our atmosphere…to rebuild it. Which makes absolutely no fucking sense. Chicago has been destroyed and its people exterminated…even though they need us as their slave labor force. Shutting down Chicago…reminds me of another overbloated travesty…The Dark Knight Rises…

I mean, guys…Battleship was better than this confusing pile of shit. At least the first one of these made SENSE.

We’ve now decided to fast-forward through the rest of the movie. No joke. It’s that bad, guys.

Stopped for an action sequence where they’re sliding down a glass building that’s falling over. On the outside of it, then through a floor of it. That was fun.

“Why do the decepticons always get the good shit?!”

It dawns on me that this is basically the plot of “The Avengers.” Even the ships the decepticons have (where the fuck did they come from?)

“Uh-oh, this is a total cluster fuck.”

Fastfowarded some more…some gratuitous Optimus Prime Bad-assery on the streets of Chicago straight murdering motherfuckers.

I can’t believe I forgot how to post about how the decepticons shot the head off the Lincoln memorial…that was amazing. Now we’re seeing more ‘Merica memorial statues getting shot up in Chi-town.

And it’s blessedly over. Looked like Cybertron was destroyed in a black hole thing when they shut down the portal-thing bringing it here, not sure. Don’t really care.

Man…usually these movies are fun-bad…this one was just bad 😛 But we made it.