That is a phrase that I have really struggled with these past few years, and if we’re being completely honest, my whole life.
See…I’ve always been a bit of a procrastinator. I run my life a bit like a triage unit. The metaphor isn’t completely apt, since in triage, you ignore the patients who are the most critical and go for the ones that are less so that *have* a chance at being saved, but that’s beside the point. It’s whatever issue is most pressing that I devote my full attention to, work on that in a blitz, and finish just in time with the rush of accomplishment and having won the race against the clock.
Exhibit A: My recent dash to finish two months worth of work in almost half that amount of time.
While something that I’m enormously proud of, it’s also taken its toll. I’ve struggled to find a more reasonable, less frantic pace of consistency in the wake of such an intensely focused period, and swung to the other side and done not much of anything these last two and a half days.
I’ve rationalized it with fatigue, which it most certainly is. But…BUT…that’s not really the point. The point is that the fatigue, and the depression, and the anxiety…all of that is a result of doing more, less often. Putting myself in the position of needing to scramble to get things done in one, exhausting push. It’s all well and good when I’m getting the work done, but the fallout from it is not something I enjoy.
I got the sage advice once to “Do Less More Often.” It’s a formula, I firmly believe, for much more result over a much longer period of time. Quite simply, I feel that the way I’m doing things is inefficient and ineffective.
I don’t feel good during these several days after finishing a good project, knowing that the work doesn’t stop, I have another month that’s already arrived, and I’m right now, this very moment, putting myself right back into the position of “being behind” and needing to catch up.
Tonight, I’m realizing that I have much less of a problem with putting too much on my plate, and much more an issue with continually putting myself in positions where I do more, less often.
I want to change that.
So, starting tomorrow, I’m not “behind.” I’m right on target. I’m going to hit my daily goals for the next week, including a couple hours of work on each of my off days, to counteract these past couple days of inaction.
The focus must be continuous, and not a roller-coaster. It’s going to be very hard. It’s against my nature. Or, I should say instead, against my programming. The programming that I’ve done, not some irreversible code handed down to me from on high, but how I’ve conditioned myself to behave. I’ve been fighting that a lot over the last six months or so. This blog is a huge part of that fight. And, I’ve been winning. So, I know I can do it.
That’s what’s on my mind tonight. The result of a malaise that’s hit me these past two days, plus an evening, where I’ve fallen short of my goals. That stuff weighs on me. I know I talk about it a lot, but that’s because I’ve found the act of owning up to it on this blog has helped me to let it go and not burden me from picking myself up and moving forward.
Change is so fucking difficult.
But, change I must. And it is coming. In smaller steps that I would like, but it IS happening. And, I appreciate your being a part of my blabbering on about it.
I hope your Saturday was wonderful. Mine, despite the tone of this blog entry, was quite nice. Cooper got a hair cut, and I went to Mirabelle’s 5th birthday party. It was “Frozen” themed.