Okay…well, maybe I don’t *really* think that, but I definitely FEEL like it today. I just had a shit day in terms of being productive. For the life of me, I couldn’t focus. I got my pages done, but even those were painful. And work? Forget about it. I got a half-day done at best.
I just feel like a piece of shit. I don’t know how else to explain it. Depressed. Unfocused. Unmotivated.
I feel like all I can do is sit here and write about and just hope to god that I wake up tomorrow feeling better and more like myself. I had a thought tonight, as I was musing over my failure of a day. It was a thought of discouragement. I do feel discouraged. Discouraged that I’ve made so many strides and come so far, only to be basically broke again and struggling to hit my work goals. Even more discouraged that it comes at the one-year anniversary of this blog of mine. That marker telling me that it’s been an entire year since I started, and yet I feel like I have nothing to show for it all. Not with my work since my savings are gone, and not with my writing, since I haven’t actually *finished* anything yet. No contacts to speak of to get my foot in the door to the TV writing world. I haven’t even let anyone read my script yet, and that’s not because of some silly notion of perfection, it’s literally just not ready yet. Objectively speaking. It’s not polished enough for someone to take a critical eye to.
Look, I know it’s not quite as bad as all that. I honestly don’t feel like I’ve wasted away this past year, because I haven’t. I’ve done more in the past 12 months than in the previous, oh, four years combined. I’ve done more in the past SIX months than those four and a half years combined. And, I *will* keep going. This bout of whiny-pants mcgee won’t stop me from that. I know that in that pillar that stands in the very deep center of my heart…but right now I’m not good enough. I’m just not. And I don’t like that feeling. I want to finish.
I wouldn’t be surprised, guys, if these types of blogs happen at some sort of regular interval. I should start tagging them with a specific hashtag or something so I can monitor that. Maybe there’s something I can do to avoid having them, these unfocused days where I don’t want to be myself. Where I sit down and wish that things were a little different, and suddenly my day has wasted away.
But, since I’ve been here before, I also know what the solution is. I keep moving ahead. Make tomorrow a badass editing day. Figure out a plan to get back on track. I find ways to sabotage myself and make my life more difficult…but I can at least shake that off and not let it stop me from reaching my goals.
The money really does stress me out. I’m more broke right now than I’ve been in a very long time. So, this not-getting-my-editing-goals-done bull hockey is coming at a very inappropriate time. I just need to man up and get my shit done. It’s going to happen tomorrow. Mark my words. By the power of the Incrediblog, tomorrow will be a badass motherfucking day on the writing and editing front.
I feel like I’m in a valley right now. The sun is still up there, I can see it glinting off the mountain tops, but I can’t actually see it directly. The path out of the dark valley stretches before me, and my feet hurt, but I’m still standing on them. My legs can move. I can walk on them. I’m slow, but I am moving, and I can choose my own pace. I’d like tomorrow to be the start of a sprint to the light. I just need to focus…