I was just brushing my teeth and taking care of the pups for their nighttime routine and feeling just kind of…down. And standing there, looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, toothpaste slobber escaping the corners of my mouth as it *always* does…and I realized I wasn’t actually sure *why* I was feeling down.
I had a very productive day today. I caught up on my editing. I did my writing. I finished “on time” and was even able to sit down and decompress for a good half hour or so.
And yet, there I was, feeling dark and cloudy. Not angry. Just generally kind of depressed.
I thought perhaps it was all the work I’ve been doing lately that just kind of drained me. Or maybe the time of year, and that it’s coming to a close, which is always kind of melancholy wrapped up in exciting for the new year…
But, no. That wasn’t it, was it?
And then I thought about how I needed to call somebody tomorrow for a repair, and it hit me. I was very focused today on sticking with getting my editing done, and even though I actually did, like, three repairs today, I left several loose ends untied that are making me feel anxious.
See…my problem is that I care. I know that sounds insincere or a hyperbole of some kind, but it’s actually not. I really, genuinely, truly wish that I didn’t care as personally about the people in my apartment building. But I do. And, I don’t mean that I wish I was a callous asshole. I just mean that I wish things didn’t affect me as much as they do sometimes. I want them to be happy. When they’re unhappy and complaining to me about something, that shit stresses me out. I feel acutely the drive to find a solution to whatever problem it may be, small or large. Far more in magnitude than my actual ability to do anything about it myself.
Now…nothing specific or major is going on with the building. For reals. I’m just reminded tonight of how much having a to-do list with this responsibility stressed me out. It’s such a blessing, this building, in the most literal meaning of that word. It’s also a big responsibility and a life stressor. Such is the nature of existence, right?
I watched a little bit of the Diana Nyad documentary from last year this morning, catching it, like, half way through. I stopped watching after like 15 minutes and decided to record the whole thing. I was tearing up just in those 15 minutes. I’m pretty sure I’ll love the whole movie from head to toe. It’s about not giving up…and how hard it can be sometimes to follow through with that sentiment, AND how hard it can actually be to achieve something we’ve tasked ourselves with achieving.
I think that’s it for tonight. A rather mopey entry, my apologies, but it also fits the mood I’m feeling at the moment, and that seems like something worth keeping rack of, right? How I’m feeling at various points in time, what’s triggering my feelings, etc. Bear with me, it’s just the kind of analytical person I am. You’d think I’d be great at shit like math and engineering, being so analytical, but nope. I’m crap at that kind of stuff. I think it’s because I’m innately analytical with thoughts and feelings. They’re very clear to me, and I guess they always have been. At some point, child-Ira asked himself why someone was acting the way they were, or even why he was acting the way he was, and that question-digging hasn’t stopped since.
On *that* weird note…good night. I love you all.
ps- tongiht is also a palendrome day, 393. Special! Kinda…I guess there’s one every 11 days, if I think about it…still! It’s still cool 🙂