Day 523: Falling Short

Day 523: Falling Short

Artwork tonight, which fits perfectly into the theme, is by Jack Gaughan.

Man…today was another struggle. Oh, how I loathe typing those words! Or writing these “kind” of blog entries, for that matter…but I suppose it is a good reminder to myself, and to any other aspiring whatevers out there, that feeling like a giant pile of shit HAPPENS.

It’s happening right now. My flippant tone about it be damned. Part of me is a piece of shit. Lazy, insecure, uninspired, whiny (like right now)…all of that. It’s true. I wish I knew more about why that part of me comes out at certain times, why that negative voice is louder sometimes. Perhaps writing this blog will help me in that regard. I haven’t been reading my blog entries from last year for a couple weeks, and maybe that’s a mistake. Maybe I *should* be reading those entries to help keep perspective.

Today wasn’t hijacked, nor was it a complete failure. It was just a struggle. I got work done, I really did. For the first time in, like, two weeks! Actual pages written. A whole scene, that I’m happy with, actually. I even got the editing done that I’d set as my goal.

Nonetheless, I sit here in bed lamenting my goals, and feeling like I’ll never reach the top of the mountain. Meaning the next mountain peak that I’ve set for myself which is simply to get PAID for what I write. I fully realize that after that is yet another mountain peak that is impossible to reach…but one step at a time.

You know…really what I lament is rhythm and purpose. I’m happy as a clam when I’m rolling along, I’ve got some sort of consecutive streak going, and if I’m “behind,” it’s easily manageable from within my day-to-day routine and mindset. That’s *really* what’s ailing me right now. I have no consecutive streak to quiet my demons, and my “behind-ness” feels completely overwhelming. That combination always makes me want to do a work binge and catch up in a big spurt of time and energy. I really wanted that to happen this weekend. It’s not going to. I have *actively* tried to train myself NOT to binge-work, but rather, to do less more often. I’m not even doing that, currently, at least on the writing front.

Sooooo…that’s step one, then, isn’t it? Get a streak going. I have that with my editing work, now. Finally.

I already set my work schedule for the next two days. Tomorrow is Sunday, which is usually an “off-day,” but I want to watch Opening Night with my friend Joe, and in order to do that, I have to get a half-days’ work done tomorrow so that I can sit and watch that game completely guilt-free. So, I work tomorrow. There will also be writing tomorrow. First thing. That’s the key, folks. If I can nail that down…maybe then I can have a binge work day here or there and catch up with where I’d *really* like to be on my writing goals, which are undoubtedly ambitious and I’d be killing it.

Liz is out of the house right now, she went over and babysat for friends of ours. Coops keeps lifting his head, thinking that he hears her, the sweet boo-bear. He came and got me out of the office tonight. Told me it was time to start the nighttime routine. Freaking love that dog. His sense of time is impeccable. For reals. He’s as consistent as a watch. Scientists think that it has to do with how each time of the day SMELLS. Makes sense to me, it’s obvious from the way they use their eyes and ears to direct their noses that smell is by far their most important sensory input. That’s how they make sense of the world, I’m absolutely sure of it.

I make sense of the world by making goals and being really hard on myself if I don’t reach them…apparently…sigh. Not my favorite side of myself, but a part of my nonetheless, and this damn blog is about being truthful. I don’t want to stop wanting something because it’s hard to get there, or my fear of failure sucks the wanting out from me. I don’t want that to happen. That’s why I write these words. ALL the words I write, in fact; here, and in any of my creative endeavors. All of them are to remind me of what I want, and what I love doing.

I sincerely hope tomorrow is a satisfying day. I’d very much like to sit here 24 hours from now, surrounded by my wife and my pups feeling like I’m a million bucks. Till tomorrow!