Awesome imag tonight from Robert McCall. That little rocket ship flying over the craggy barrens is me tonight!
So, the work queue ran out today all day. First time that’s happened to me in over a year. I remember last year when it happened it was SO STRESSFUL. And, don’t get me wrong, it’s still stressful, just waaaaayyyy less so than the last time it happened. It means I’m going to have to work over the next two days, unfortunately, but I’m far enough along in my work this month, ie- ON TIME, that it’s a minor setback. It’s a relief to be in the position.
I have to say, I still don’t feel super grounded with my day-to-day. It’s an odd dynamic…I feel like I’m on the edge of something right now, and I’m waiting for a shoe to drop. It may just be that I’m still hoping an opportunity opens with Netflix, and that’s what I’m waiting for…but I know it’s really this TV writing thing. My plan was to try balls-deep to get an assistant gig this staffing season. But, the situation we find ourselves in is that I’m the one making the majority of the income at the moment, and I *like* being able to contribute like that…and that I’ve finally worked a system out where I can actually cover our expenses if I hit my editing goals, which I have been, and we can even SAVE some money which is also great, because there are things we want to DO with money saved in the bank. Like, go to see the Northern Lights next year.
That situation has changed my course from what I thought it was going to be, a bit. If I want all those things to come to pass by this time next year, there’s no way I can take an assistant job right now. I’d probably have to start as a PA, and PAs make minimum wage. I might even have to start somewhere doing something for free, before I can prove that I’m actually worth promoting into a more responsible position. I literally cannot do that if I’m trying to make and save money.
On the other hand, I worry that I’m putting it off because I’m scared. And I am. Legitimately. It’s *completely* one of the reasons I haven’t finished this first pilot script yet. I’m scared to take the next step of putting my work out there before I feel READY, and I know I’m not ready to write for television. But, I also know there’s literally no other way to become “ready” to write for television other than just biting the bullet and hoping someone sees an idea in your script that’s worth fixing and taking someone under their wing. I’m also terrified to make phone calls. That’s perhaps the most gut-twisting thing about trying to land myself an assistant job. Fucking cold-calling. I hate it. I can do it, I’ve done it before, but I really, really hate it. And, I usually put all these things off until I absolutely have to do them.
I guess it really dawned on me what it’s going to take for me to actually get myself into a writers’ room, what the actual logistics of that mean, which is starting at the bottom and actually living there for several years before getting a break…and that scares me. It makes me want to avoid it while simultaneously feeling really fucking stupid for waiting this long to decide this was the career path I wanted to take. And is it the career path I want to take? Is just being a novelist something that is viable? On the issue of personal fulfillment, I can say yes. It would be. But, would I make enough money to make it worth it? I don’t know about that.
Basically, I’m wrestling right now with a Plan. That’s why I’m feeling restless, like I’m hovering without my feet on the ground. That my routine isn’t bringing me the peace I had hoped it would right now, that I’ve *finally* figured out my editing work, and my daily writing.
I know what to do though: it’s decide on my goal. Figure out what it is I want, lay a new plan, and attack it. The fear will be there, it’s not going away, but it also can be set aside when it comes to deciding what it is I want. I don’t know the answer to that yet. At least, not precisely. I *do* know that this stalling of mine, which in terms of the TV stuff has lasted for about a year, cannot continue. What precisely I do about it, I’m not sure, except that I need to keep writing every day and finish my pilot. And, I will. And I *will* figure out a plan. It’s just hard, and I get lost along the way sometimes. Change is hard. What I’m doing right now is trying to change. I want to change. I must keep trying, and try harder.
I had NO freaking idea tonight was going to be about this, but it doesn’t surprise me. Today was just one of those days where the routine was thrown off enough that it made me think about my routine, and how it’s making me feel. Evaluating, you know? Checking in with myself, and asking myself if I really am where I want to be.
Our good friend Eric came in from out of town to stay with us tonight. He’s from NYC, but he’s actually in Austin right now helping his family with a remodel. It’s been probably four or five years since I’ve seen him last. Crazy! He’s always great to catch up with. He was definitely much closer with Liz, always has been, but I very much enjoy his company whenever I’m able to see him. Very smart, talkative just like Liz and I, and we cooked food and drank wine and just had a nice evening.
I have work in my queue for tomorrow, I’ll try to get as much done as I can 🙂 Take it one step at a time, right? Right.