Day 542: Contentment

Day 542: Contentment

Artwork tonight from an uncredited artist.

Today was a bit all over the place. Some apartment stuff, a nap, some writing, dinner with our friends whose daughter was turning 6. SIX. That’s cray cray. Liz has been babysitting her since she was 18 months old.

Coco just laid down on my leg, like the snuggle boss that she is.

I am very restless right now, guys. I am feeling pulled into two different directions. On the one hand, I really miss my routine of writing for an hour a day on my novel, making my hard-earned editing income, watching my Star Trek, and just living my own life really. I miss that right now. I feel like I do not have that routine.

On the other hand…it’s becoming very, very clear to me how I get myself into the TV writing business. What my hustle needs to be. How I can actively put myself out there to get one of those coveted entry level positions. I don’t actually fear it as much as I thought I did. I can do it. I know I can. I also know that I can kill it in that world, because I work hard, I actually do listen very well depsite how much I talk sometimes, and I’m responsible and easy to work with. I gravitate towards positions of responsibility, and someone who can handle responsibility is solid gold in any medium. Notice I’m not extolling my writing skills. I *hope* I’m a good writer…but me getting my foot in the door and moving up the lower rungs of that ladder aren’t actually dependent on my writing skills. That shit comes later. It’s a factor, don’t get me wrong, but I do NOT need to wait untill my skills are up to snuff to get one of these assistant jobs…honing my skills comes once I’m there, and I can learn with the pros instead of in a vacuum. I know that I would kill it…so why is it still freaking me out?

I’m realizing how much I actually do love writing at home, on my own, paying the bills and setting my own comfortable schedule. Going out and becoming a PA and then a Writers’ Assistant is completely antithetical to that. I will NOT be at home, I will NOT be making my own schedule, and my writing will NOT be just for me on my own terms…

That is what I’m legitimately struggling with, I realized. It’s not the phone calls at all…it’s the stepping outside of this system I’ve set up for myself that I became intentionally very happy with. I wanted to love living my life right here right now, so I took the steps necessary for me to love it. And, I did. Is it time to move on? Has it served the function it needed to, and now I leave it to change the game up again?

My gut, the way I’m wired, tells me yes. I do. Because I know I can be successful in television. It won’t be fucking easy, and it probably will be nothing like I planned it would be…but I really think I could get myself in there if I just hustle. But, it’s a valid question: do I give up what I’ve created for myself over this past year? I don’t mean right now, or even necessarily months from now…but it means changing my focus from writing at home, to making phone calls and saying yes to whatever bottom-feeder job I can snag that puts me on a show that has writers I could learn from and impress.

I feel like I have to think about that. As I’m sitting here writing this, I feel like I have to go for it. Change it up. All of this was to GET TO THIS POINT, I have to go all the way through with it, right? But then…is that just bravado, or aspects of my personality dominating the conversation. I’ve talked so much on here about happiness, and I have HAD THAT this past year. I really have. Contentment. Why am I so willing to set that aside? I’m genuinely in a quandry about it.

So…I have some thinking to do, and this blog entry literally just helped me articulate what I’ve been feeling for the past few days and couldn’t put my finger on. These whole past couple months, actually. What do I really want?

At least I can choose, right? That’s something I feel extremely grateful for. So, I will ponder it for however long I need to. Listen to some music. Figure it out. AND stick to writing an hour a day and getting my editing work done to keep paying those bills. Like A Boss.