Perfect artwork tonight from Tim White.
I’m surprised tonight at the headline for this blog post. Today was actually quite a wonderful day. I got work done. It wasn’t a rockstar day on the editing front, but I let that happen because I know I have the energy to work tomorrow and Friday to make it all up. That leaves the weekend for chillin’, yo. Very much looking forward to it.
I have these fantasies while I’m working, sitting at my computer, about all the things I’m going to do on my off days. They almost NEVER work out the way those day-dreams do…but that doesn’t stop them from running through my mind. I’ll bet a lot of people do that when they’ve been working for too long 😛
No, tonight’s mindset snuck up on me. I got reminded of ageism in Hollywood, and how it exists even for writers. Thinking about that kind of stuff is really deflating for me…for anyone, in all likelihood, even if you’re not yet an age that “should” be discriminated against. I’m not actually saying I believe in an age test, or maybe I am, I’m not really sure…what I am saying is that it all comes back to feelings of helplessness. That I will judged or denied on things that are entirely and completely outside of my control. The feeling that no matter how hard you work at something, it will be taken away from you for reasons you can never ever work away. Futility is a soft word for something dark with no bottom.
I don’t know actually how much I can write about futility…it’s not a thought I spend a lot of time on, and it’s not something I’ve really had that much time to mull over tonight before sitting down to write this entry. I just know that I draw strength from writing what is ACTUALLY on my mind on this nightly ritual, and futility is what was swirling around in my head tonight. I don’t have an uplifting or resolving thought to insert at this time, taking the weight away from the rock I’ve dropped into the water with a rope tied to our ankles…
…except, perhaps, to say that futility when it comes to the pursuit of dreams or happiness is usually, if not always without exception, inside our own minds. Thus far, in my life, the only one that has actually limited me is myself. I create my own futility, or at least the only futility that counts. That limits. In life, there are actually always options. I can always do something different, try a different tactic, or follow down some other rabbit hole. It’s only in my mind that there is no escape. Thankfully, I’ve found a way to crawl out of that box time and again so far. So far. Never declare total victory…or is that just another form of futility? Probably, you asshole.
Man, I told you guys this blog entry was shenanigans!
I feel ready to let the issue fall to rest, y’all. Ready to stop grappling with obstacles that cannot be toppled, but can be simply walked away from. There are things in my life that I have no control over…a lot of them…I shouldn’t even try. Take my energy elsewhere.
On that note, good night. I wrote today. I was really happy with what I wrote. Tomorrow, it happens all over again! I’m gonna go to bed early enough to read tonight, and that is always a win.