Day 696: The introspection continues

Day 696: The introspection continues

Artwork tonight from Moebius

So much thinking lately! Think, think, think.

I guess it’s no coincidence that I decided to kinda have this “deadline” in my head around my birthday this year…I feel like I’m still at the cross-roads. It hasn’t changed, this transitionary period, the theme is “I attract what I am, not what I want,”…which I intepret to mean that I must decide to be what I want to be and then BE that person wholly and completely…

It’s a feeling very much in line with the personal realization I had last year about letting go of any idea of the “future” and sacrificing the present for the sake of the future and living completely happily in the present. Ie- making my life in the here and now everything I want it to be and stop waiting.

So, I am at the same crossroads I was about a week and a half ago…but I feel like I’m leaning in a different direction at the moment in terms of what road to travel down. I’m leaning towards the novelist road as opposed to the TV writer road…at least at the moment. I haven’t decided anything. That may take some more time, some more introspection, some more blogs like this one.

I will remind myself here that those two paths are not mutually exclusive by any means. Each one can lead to the other. But, that’s not what I’m debating in my head. Nor am I debating whether or not each of them would make me happy, should they prove to be successful. No, what I’m weighing in my head is what is going to make me the happiest RIGHT NOW…and whether or not that’s something I should embrace.

I can unequivocally say that the novelist route wins in the here and now. I love working from home. I love writing prose. I love setting my own goals and struggling with them and ultimately conquering them. I love the idea of being my own boss. I also love the money that I’m making right now, the savings account that I see growing. I really love the idea of being able to do my work ANYWHERE that has an internet connection. I could move to freaking Mars and as long as they have WiFi,  I can make my living there.

On the flip side…all the work of making cold calls to get an entry level position, then working my way up from a conceivably disconnected position is terrifying. Terrifying to the point where I question whether or not all this doubt and self-wrestling is really just all that fear talking, and me wanting to avoid a growing experience…

I mean, the TV route has it’s huge upsides should it be successful. I love producing. I love working with other people. I love figuring out story and seeing it come to fruition. I *love* the idea of finding a mentor and really learning HOW to make a story better. That, to be honest, is probably the biggest thing that calls to me from the TV world…that ladder of experience one is able to climb. It’s an education, and I want that very badly.

The novelist route has its downside, too: I have more risk in that area of toiling in obscurity. I’m good a rising through the ranks of an institution…I’m less good at self-promotion.

The “obscurity” side of this equation is something to recognize, too. It’s ego-related, and I have to own up to that. I do have the desire to BE somebody. To make a mark artistically, and to be recognized. It’s part of me, right now at least, and it always has been in the past…I don’t really know what to say beyond that, except I suppose that as I get older, I feel the cost of that aspect of my personality more and more accutely. There is a “cost” to wanting to BE somebody…several costs in fact; it makes me insecure, it makes me unhappy and stresses me out, it makes the present less easy to enjoy as opposed to looking into the future, and it often sets me up for disappointment. It’s not inconceivable to me that some day the cost of this wanting to be artistically impactful may become too high…that other priorities might rise above that need.

Anyway…a lot I’m thinking about, obviously. Soooooo self-indulgent…I know. Please forgive me. It’s pat of the way I work, I suppose. I just want to find what I’m good at and DO it…become it, live it, and be content with it. I worry that I am destined to wander with angst from phase to phase of my life without finding my “identity” and taking off to the stars. Only time will tell, I guess.

I did about a million loads of laundry today. The battle versus the fleas continued today in full force. Liz was over the hill having a meetup with one of her new agents, and it was close to our vet, which was great – she was able to get some prescription-strength flea and tick meds for the pups, and it’s currently coursing through their veins.

Coops wasa  bit of an adventure – we’d given it to both of them with food, as instructed, and then I took them on a walk, and on the walk Coops puked the entire contents of his stomach out. When I told the Ho about it, she said it was actually listed as a super common side effect, and that if it happens within an hour of ingesting the pill (which he had), then we should re-dose him. So, we did, this time cutting the pill into tiny pieces for him (apparently the SIZE of the pill is a component of him spilling his tummy)…and so far so good. It’s been two hours.

The *entire* house has now been treated. Every pieces of fabric that the dogs come into contact with has either been sprayed, laundered, or powdered, and the dogs are now both on the good shit med-wise…so hopefully this is the end. I saw another giant large flea on Coops today, pre-meds, and that was pretty dismaying. But I have faith. People swear by this Comfortis stuff, and apparently, what we were using just isn’t strong enough to last a full month and keep the fleas down if the season is bad (like it is this year).

Wish us luck! Tomorrow: work day!