Day 702 (redux): end/beginning

Day 702 (redux): end/beginning

September, we hardly knew ye.

Man, this month always seems to be an intense one for yours truly. A lot of it, I suppose, has to do with my birthday, that natural marker of “another year gone by” which leads to questions like “what the hell am I doing with my life?” But, it’s also my wedding anniversary, so that’s huge, too. And, it’s the gateway to the last quarter of the year; ie- when shit gets real. Crunch time. Do or die.

It’s slightly dismaying to still feel that way, even after my realization(s) last year about approaching life to live in the present, create my dream self or my ideal life right here right now, doing less more often…that I still feel the need to make a big push or “get my shit together.” Ideally, it wouldn’t be any different than any other month of any year..

But I’m just not there yet, I guess. Maybe I never will be. Perhaps there are certain aspects of myself that I cannot change and I will either always be at odds with, or will just come at peace with and accept. Or maybe I can change that, and I just need to keep working. Only time will tell, guys. And about another five thousand of these entries.

Had a nice day “off” today. Did a lot of thinking. Joe and I and Liz all did a check-in with each other on our way down to the A’s game, and it got me all fired up thinking again about this decision of what to do with my life, TV vs. writing novels. I still don’t have an answer for that, BUT…I did realize that I mostly need to stop just working inside my bubble, and start getting my work OUT THERE. With my scripts: festivals and competitions. With my prose, into the hands of readers so I can get feedback and do the rewrites I know they need in order to get it to a place where it’s ready to be read by agents and editors. But, sitting on my own computer desktop is not where it needs to be. Part of my learning process HAS to be through the lens of other readers. And I quite simply just haven’t done enough of that.

And so today I did. I posted on facebook that I was looking for readers willing to give feedback, and I had several takers. I spent the morning figuring out how to convert my manuscript into a format readable on the kindle, I spent a half hour putting together a SUPER simple cover for it so it would look complete on a kindle…and I sent it out. It made me SO FREAKING HAPPY to put that file on my own kindle and see the pages on the screen looking like a real book. So, so happy. Made me think that novel writing may be my purpose after all…maybe.

I just have to follow through. I haven’t because of fear, and the desire to run from failure and rejection into the arms of another job that gave me and continues to give me immediate self-worth in the form of cold hard cash. Good money, too. That’s what I did this year. And I’m still grappling with what that all means. I’m immensely proud of the work I’ve done and continue to do…but I think I know that it’s not my end game. I think that’s what this month of September has been all about.

I do not attract what I want, I attract what I am. That means I have to be what I want.

Not as easy as it sounds…but hopefully some day soon it will be. It’s all a mindset after all…and mindsets can change very quickly.

Night y’all…have to get up early in the AM. Busy morning. Hopeing to keep it chill in the afternoon. Catch you kids on the flip.