Day 704 (redux): A turning point?

Day 704 (redux): A turning point?

Artwork tonight from Nicolas Delort – ps- I’m the fucking big-ass ship tonight.

I might be there, guys…I really might be there.

I have been thinking SO MUCH about writing novels during this entire period of bouncing around inside my own head…in my gut, what made me the proudest last year was finishing my novel Starstuff…and in my gut what would make me the saddest this year would be to not write another. I mean…that has to MEAN something, right?

I’m so afraid, you guys, so afraid that I’m going to choose the wrong path and not follow through with it. That I’ll just spin my wheels like I have with every other endeavor I’ve set my mind to creatively-speaking. That I’ll choose to write novels like I chose to shift my attention to writing TV from acting, like I chose to shift my attention from the music industry into acting…that this would be me running once again from something because it was hard, and I didn’t have success at it.

I will say this though, and the thought does add a certain amount of peace to that very dark and fear-riddled paragraph up there: I don’t regret any one of each of those decisions. I wouldn’t go back. I made the decision because I knew that was what was going to make me happy.

I don’t think I would regret putting all my energy into scripts and instead putting it into writing prose…I know I wouldn’t, actually. From that first page last summer of Starstuff, it felt like home. So maybe it is home, you know?

I did not have a good work day today. I started, but I was just feeling too…MUCH. So, I took a deep breath and decided I had to take a step away and calm myself. I read a lot today. I read my novel…I read about authors and how there is real success out there writing books. And new kinds of success: the self-publishing world is now legit. For reals. Pioneers have done it, and done it exceptionally well. I don’t *have* to wait for someone to “find” me…I can put my work out there into the world directly to the people. Before today, I can honestly say I’ve NEVER considered that…and now I am. It seems that as long as you can put out a mountain of material, and you have someone to help you edit that material down into something worthy of reading…well the market is your oyster. Bless Amazon. Bless all the adults and children out there reading…

So, guys…I have a new plan. Finish this fucking script…finish Icarus. It’s SO CLOSE. Finish it. And make my goddamn phone calls. If I were able to get my foot into the door of the TV writing world, get the opportunity to LEARN, I think I’d take it in a second and write my novels at 6 in the morning.

But once I finish this Icarus script, the only thing I’m going to be writing is my next novel. It doesn’t have a title yet, but it has a cold open already. And it has an emotional core to it that Starstuff didn’t have, something that I’ve carried on my chest for nine years and haven’t found the way to properly express. Something, perhaps, that once it comes out may free me in ways that I hadn’t realized I’d been restrained. Perhaps.

All I know is that I’m very, very afraid…but I’ve decided what I want. The writing wins. And the clearest way I can see to “just write, baby” is writing prose. The happiest Ira was the Ira that was writing that book.

I’m also going to finish out my editing goals for this year 😛 Get those savings into the bank where I want.

You guys…if I could reach an audience for my stories, and audience that loved them enough to pay for them and let me make my living eating, breathing and sleeping writing…well, that’s the dream. I want to BE what I want…not just want it. And I want to DO what love. And I LOVE WRITING PROSE. Screenwriting I love having written, and edited. I love the finished product. What does that difference mean? I honestly don’t know. I can’t close that door to TV…I don’t think I ever have to. But I can fully open the door on just writing novels. Write as many of them as I can. I have SO MANY IDEAS. So many ideas I don’t have wait to see realized, because I can just do that shit!

Wish me luck, guys. Today was intense. I have the feeling that I putting myself much further away from what I really want when I’m actually much, much closer than I think…I want to fucking stop that. Icarus is so close. Starstuff is so close. I just need to cross that line, yo. Wish me luck.