Doing this one late tonight!
Twas at a writers’ meeting, the first one I’ve been to in a long, long time…and it was imminently stimulating. We had some really fabulous discussions, and at one point, I got to talk about Counselor Troi from TNG! đŸ˜› Always a good night when it comes back to Star Trek, you know? And this is the thing that really keeps me coming back to that writers’ group, man: there are some writers in there that have skills that I struggle with, and I really admire them for that.
One has such instant “voice” with his characters, another is so funny…two of them, actually. Dialogue that just drips off the tongue. Not my strong suits, and I love hearing their work, listening for what they’re doing and how they did it. It makes me want to be better.
This wasn’t explicitly talked about in the writers’ group tonight, but some of our discussions together did make me think about this afterwards, which is that there is often a perception that evaluating one’s own work and finding it lacking and wanting to improve that work…inherently involves a lack of self confidence. I can honestly say that when I look at my own work and find the flaws in it, self confidence and/or a lack thereof is (usually) secondary to the practical question of: how can I get better? How do I fix this?
Now…there are absolutely times where insecurity can lead one down the path of beating themselves up or lashing out at others…I’ve found myself in that position many times, and not just in the distant past of my younger years, I mean alll the time…of this there is no doubt. But *most* of the times I find myself evaluating my work and wishing it was better, my focus is on how to get there, not dwelling in the present of “this sucks, I suck, and there’s nothing I can do.” It’s not something that self confidence will fix because self confidence isn’t the problem…the “problem” is simply a lack of experience.
A lack of experience is fixable, man. Realizing that is empowering. It means I just need to figure it out. There’s nothing wrong with me, it’s not personal, it’s not some fatal flaw that cannot be overcome…it’s a puzzle to put together. It’s simply a desire to be better. I want to get it right.
That desire to improve, to “master” something, is pretty damn strong for me. It’s a cycle I find myself in over and over again, and I love it. I feed off it. Maybe that’s not true for everyone out there, and that’s okay too. It just is for me.
It’s late now…and time for bed. Tomorrow morning will be rough, but I can get some extra sleep in the afternoon to make up for it.
Good night!