We made it, y’all. HOME. And here now for the next couple months, which is good news for moi and my writing.
I was thinking about that on the drive home, this relationship I have with my writing right now. I have to honest: it’s contentious. There are days where I feel great about it, but not many. And I’m not really sure what to make of that. Is it going to be my “normal” to be so at odds with my own creativity? WilI I ever find that zone of calm, confident happiness, the life that I’ve dreamt of for so long?
I don’t know, to be honest. I really don’t. I realized today that this fraught relationship I’ve had with writing has persisted for the past two years, basically. The exception was writing the first draft of Starstuff, which came out so clear, clean, and easily. I do not have that CLARITY right now. Just a vague general sense that I’m not hitting my mark, and I’m not even sure what my mark is.
You know, maybe I’m being unfair to myself – this angsty vs. confident ratio may be closer to 50/50.
And that actually reminds me of something else…*I* am assigning this overall meaning of doubt and big-picture stuff when it comes to this being about WRITING. I remember, now that I think about it, feeling this EXACT same way about my editing work once I’d decided I was going to do that full time. I’d worked so hard and stressed out SO much about getting a job that I could work from home that when I actually landed it, it paralyzed me for almost a full year before I finally broke through and started doing really well and excelling.
I remember how I came about that breakthrough, actually…it was deciding that I was allowed to watch Star Trek while I worked. That changed everything. I began to look FORWARD to sitting in that chair and getting work done. It put me in a positive mind-frame. That’s what I need to do with writing. I’m going to brainstorm on that shit tomorrow.
The convention was wonderful. My plaque with the TNG cast-members’ signatures is better and more wonderful than anything I’d hoped. I can’t wait to get it framed once I finally track down Frakes (he’s the only one left other than Will Wheton), and to put it up next to the original series dedication plaque. It was also absolutely incredible to meet these fellow star trek fans that I’ve recently met on twitter and gotten to know. Bill and Dan, Heather, Adam, Robert, Jeff, Teri, Jarrah, Grace, Cutty, Rav…there are so many more I’m forgetting…it was amazing. You were all so kind, welcoming, and such true Trek fans! I cannot express how much I love fellow Trek fans.
It’s also so so good to be home 😛
Taking a day off tomorrow, I think…and then it’s time to write the rest of this fucking book, amiright? I am. Right.