Day 386: Swerve

Day 386: Swerve

Today took a nosedive productivity-wise.

I was set. Mapped out a plan and I had the lessons I needed to freaking rock my work day today. Started out great. And then I got sucked into a black hole. A black hole that’s been growing for a while now. It’s work-related. An individual in particular.

I’m a very prideful person, you guys. To a fault sometimes. Today was one of those times. While it definitely doesn’t negate the gripes I have with this certain individual, they had a legitimate beef on me being nitpicky, petty, and contentious. I was pushed there, but I still didn’t have to take the actual step into the realm of passive aggressiveness. And I did. On my own. I am not happy about it.

What’s really at the center of this black hole, however, is what to do about it? I don’t feel like I have someone to turn to. To mediate, or even just listen and advise. I know that will ultimately be counter productive, and just make me the bad guy. The complainer. Going to my fellow coworkers is even worse. Then, I’m the guy inciting rebellion. Causing trouble. No, I think the only thing I can do is just hash it out one on one with this person…I just don’t know how best to approach it.

What I do know is that I hate how upset it makes me. And this is really, REALLY stupid shit, you guys. The menial day-to-day. It’s not costing money, nor is it anything that would even get anyone in trouble.

…and maybe that is the solution. Just stop giving a shit. It’s not worth it. Stop challenging someone who clearly is terrified about their own position and status. Let somebody else fight the battle. It doesn’t have to be my battle.

I wish this wasn’t a vague whiny bullshit entry, guys, I really do. It’s just what’s on my mind, and I obviously can’t talk about specifics because that would be job suicide. I won’t even say which job it is I have that I’m referring to 😛

But, it really derailed my day, and I just feel very discouraged right now. Discouraged with myself, and my part in all of it. I regret certain things that I’ve done. And then you layer on top of that a situation when I’m also genuinely getting the shaft on…and I just feel powerless, you know? It’s a shit sandwich and everything I’m doing is only making the sandwich shittier.

It wasn’t a complete loss. I should say that. This morning was tough, just like I thought it would be, given all the running around that I had to do. I didn’t start my editing work till 2:30pm, but I still got 17 minutes of editing done. And my writing, too. And it was GOOD writing.

I just need to let this frustration go…sleep it off. Think about it for a few more days, and a course of action will make itself apparent. Just step back, breathe, and think it through. I can’t change anyone but myself…so that’s what I’ll try to focus on.

Tomorrow…well, I hope tomorrow is wonderful. Wish me luck, guys. I need a day without distractions.