I started today at 7:00am on the dot! There was a filmin’ to be had, folks, and up I was welcoming a hardy band of movie-makers into our house for half the day.
7:00am is a rough one 😛 I am not a morning person, as it well-documented on these pages. But up I was, and took the pups out on a brisk morning walk, and then I went and grabbed donuts…which no one ate 😛 All the more for us, I suppose. Then the Ho and I grabbed some shut-eye together in the office on the floor (my favorite napping place while working), and then each tried to get as much work done as we could.
…I couldn’t. I was totally blocked today. No work was done. Not editing, not writing. It was a shut-down day…unfortunately. I don’t know, I’m definitely dealing with something you guys. I’m pretty sure it’s fatigue and fear over what’s coming on the horizon, which is a big fat unknown. I know it’s that, in fact. I’m looking forward instead of focusing on the right here and now. I commited myself to a plan, and I should be focused on executing it…that’s harder than I anticipated, I guess.
I’m not feeling the need to abandon my plan, however. It’s a good plan. It’s well thought out, and *will* make me feel really, really proud and secure when I do follow through with it. But, it is tough in the meantime. I am currently sacrificing my present for the future in certain ways – not exactly spending the majority of my time doing what I really *want* to be doing. It’s anti-epiphany…the epiphany of creating the future I want right NOW, in the present, because the present is literally all that exists. Because of that, I know that this is only sustainable for a short period of time…but I actually know precisely what period of time that’s going to be. It’s two and a half more months. That’s it. That’s what I need to keep my eyes on. The benefits I can reap from busting my ass for two and a half more months will be huge.
I guess I’m also realizing that this kind of work schedule just isn’t something that’s sustainable – I realize I basically said that in the last paragraph, but I’m talking even if this was the kind of work that I *wanted* to be doing. Even if I decided to work as an editor and write from home for the rest of my life, it would never be on this type of schedule. It’s just too much. I’m burning out. It’s not a schedule that I can maintain for eternity. Something suffers each day with this 4-day-a-week, 60-hour schedule…be it editing goals, writing goals, or apartment duties. Or rest, for that matter.
At least…I *think* that’s true. There’s also a big part of me that feels like I’m just being a baby and not focusing when I should be, and THAT’S why I’m finding myself running behind all the time. And that’s honestly very possible. It could be mostly mental, and I just need to remind myself of the mindset I have on those days where I sit down and write this thing having accomplished everything I needed to.
All I can say is, I’m going to keep trudging forward. I know I’ll cross the finish line, and in the meantime, this is a wonderful exercise in discipline, self control, and testing my limits with those and just pure stamina.
We saw Jurrasic World tonight, and it was a lot of fun. *Definitely* some annoying script flaws, but they got right what they needed to get right, and it honestly doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s something I’d recommend, even if it was just because it seems to be the movie that EVERYONE is going to see right now. Join the crowd. You’ll have fun.
It was also the season finale of Game of Thrones tonight, which honestly wrapped up a pretty lackluster season. I wasn’t with the haters early on who were totally calling bullshit on this season…but I think they were mostly right. Yes, “stuff” happened – major stuff, and shocking stuff…but they were pay-offs for emotional bribes never paid. They were too unsupported and un-built-up-to…something this show has done MASTERFULLY up to this point. There was also a…I’ll preemptively say “controversial” slut-shaming sequence in this episode that I felt particularly attuned-to, given how much I’ve been reading on the current culture of feminism, or should I say “anti-feminism” that I see very prevalent around us. Granted, this slut-shaming was to a character who has certainly earned some cruel justice to be heaped upon her shoulders, and Game of Thrones exists in a world very aware of it’s bold-faced misogyny…but still. It was perhaps the most extremely graphic protrayal of slut-shaming that television has ever seen, and it’s a phenomenon that so many people refuse to acknowledge even exists…it’s just going to be very controversial, I think. And for good reason.
See? Today WAS a whirlwind. But, now, it’s time to wind DOWN…and wind down I shall. The pups are beside me, ready to sleep, and so am I. Tomorrow is a work day. My resolve is to merely focus on that. The present. One moment at a time.
Also, I have a major beard in the works. It’s part of the 2015 summer work extravaganza, and I thought I’d show my progress so far 😛