Love the negative space on this one…by Tim White.
I had one of those mopey days for most of today…but good news, guys, it didn’t END mopey, and I can thusly spare you the angst and the dark self-indulgence 😛 In its place is, hopefully, a small slice of clarity.
Turns out I mostly need to EAT, and to get some solid work done. And so I did. I made up for all my lost time yesterday and the day before. I think I also had kind of a breakthrough today on the whole TV-front…which is that I realized what I was afraid of, and what I wasn’t afraid of.
I’m afraid of trying and failing. I’m not afraid of writing for television, or producing television. I mean, that may change, sure, once I actually get there…but I’m here right now, not there…and here, right now, working in television is still exciting. This…hemming and hawing about which direction in which I should go has actually nothing to do with any anxiety over having *success* in either direction. All the anxiety is about *failure*. About trying, and nothing happening.
On the one hand, I could think negatively about that and recognize the fact that failure is entirely possible in either field, TV or novels…probably equally so. But, on the other hand, the more truthful hand…sitting around and being afraid to fail is fucking bullshit. It’s not even worth the conversation, logically. I *cannot* let a fear of failure stand in the way of my success, because EVERY SINGLE THING I will ever do in my entire life comes with the risk of failure. If I give into that feeling, I will never do anything. I will never risk anything.
I realize that this isn’t exactly a novel discovery, guys…we creatives here this CONSTANTLY; don’t be afraid of failure! But it’s a truthful one nonetheless. I really thought that my angst was coming from a place of geuinely not being sure which direction I should head…and I do still have a decision to make…but the paralyzing feeling in my chest had nothing to do with that decision. Nothing at all. It had to do with fear and failure.
So…the plan remains the same, y’all. I’m going to set goals, and I’m going to do my darndest to realize where my fear comes from, and not let it hold me back. So much easier said than done…but I can break it up into steps. That helps.
Tomorrow, I spend 15 minutes crafting a phone script. Monday, 15 more minutes. Tuesday, maybe 30 minutes more…and then I’m making my first phone call. I haven’t decided to whom yet, but I’m going to do it. To a production company, asking for who I should contact/send materials in regards to assistant or intern work. Tuesday. It’s happening.
So…what pulled me out of my misery today? I ate some food, first of all. I realized I was hungry. And then I sat down and did my first writing hour…which led to my second writing hour and a third. This script, this goddamn monster of a script…it’s slowly starting to make sense to me. SLOWLY. But, it is. I can see my clarity with it growing…my concise-ness (is that a word? Don’t think so). Piece by piece, the craft making more sense. I really, REALLY enjoyed writing today. I realized that I do love writing the screenplay format. Or at least I like this EDITING part of the screenwriting process, the RE-writing, the refining…that was a good feeling, too. Realizing that I do love it. It’s not about the glitz of TV, or the idea of making the money…it’s that I do actually love the process. Living in a world for a while, and spitting it out into a specific format.
I just realized, JUST now, that’s actually the trick to writing a screenplay. I’m in the room, watching it happen. I need to write how it makes me FEEL to see these things happen…write in the emotion, describing it in real time. If I can pinpoint in each scene what I’m feeling about these events as they unfold…wel damn, that’s the whole fucking POINT, right? Right…
Gonna try that shit tomorrow. I’m in the room with these characters, watching them real-time, experiencing it real-time, writing it down as it happens. We’ll see if it works…not go too over the top with it 😛 I think I’ll look up screenwriting techniques and see if anyone does that…but it feels like it might work.
Sigh.
Bed time. Tomorrow will be a work day. Time for the sleeps.
Till tomorrow, guys! Life is good when you eat and get your work done!